Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
