she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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