I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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