so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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