I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
