were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
