Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
