im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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