How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
pray to the hookup gods
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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