Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
