You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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