i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
