New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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