I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
