I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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