random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
