So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
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