I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
