If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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