Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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