I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
