Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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