mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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