i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
