I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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