I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
