Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
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I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
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We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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