Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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