Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
