That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
