The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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