so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
