The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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