fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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