He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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