The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
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she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride