Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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