u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
