Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
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