My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
