my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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