sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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