just tell him i said nine months
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
