youre lurking in front of me
im six kinds of drunk right now
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
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She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Gay?
German.
Pity.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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