sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
