well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
