I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
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