I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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