i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
you inspire me to be a worse person
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
