you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
