put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
