we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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