Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
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he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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