May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
