Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
