the condom got lost in my hair
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
