I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
