News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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