John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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