your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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