dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
