this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
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Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
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Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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