Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
